We need professional mourners
There is an absolutely beautiful Buddhist story that was brought to my attention by the book ‘The New Black‘ by Darian Leader.
The story tells of a mother whose baby dies. She is so distraught that she carries the dead body strapped to her chest and travels around attempting to find someone who would be able to breathe life back into her beloved infants body.
Eventually she finds a holy man who says that he can help her, but only if she can bring to him a handful of mustard seeds from a home whose inhabitants have not suffered the loss of someone they love.
The woman begins to search but is unable to find any home that has not been marked by the dark shadow of death and loss. Yet, in her futile search something truly amazing happens. For as she hears the various stories of these different people she slowly begins to come to terms with the death of her own child. After a little time she is finally able to let go and bury her infant in the soil of the Earth.
It is by hearing each others stories of loss and pain that we are often able to come to terms with our own loss and pain. Very few people know that ikon was intially begun as a place of mourning. A place where people could come and meet others who had suffered loss and, as such, begin to make peace with their own loss. This was manifestly a mourning over the death of a particular conception of God, but this merely acted as a way for people to come to terms with all kinds of concrete loss.
Contrary to what people often think, the key to easing peoples suffering is not in offering some insidious theodicy but in allowing a place for people to mourn and to meet others who know what it is to have been burned by that black sun. By providing a public, theo-poetic location where we are able to symbolise our mourning we are able to trinagulate our pain (allowing it to be registered by a third – see last post) and place it into the symbolic realm. This is not about providing an answer but rather offering a site where we can speak our suffering.
This may seem a little depressing, but such spaces are really sites of liberation and light. Just like people where once employed as professional mourners at funerals (as a means of helping us to tap into our own pain and overcome it) so we need professional mourners today. For in tapping into the suffering of another we can tap into the deep resoviours of own suffering (who can forget the way Princess Diana’s death acted as a key for people to access their own experiences of death). Theo-poetic expressions like ikon should not be exclusively about this element of life, but in a world where we have few places to engage in such activity, I feel that it should remain a rich and important element of its seasonal cycle.
Tags: death, ikon, Mourning, Peter Rollins, theo-drama
December 27th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Coming to terms with loss is possible but it seems to me that there are different degrees of it. Even if a sense of loss is rendered tiny in comparison to the experience prior to adjustment (or healing) this doesn’t devalue either the residual perception of loss nor the part that has come to terms with the loss – not to mention the object of loss itself! As I learnt when involved in nursing practice; “pain is what the patient says it is.” That statement was uttered in relation to physical pain but I have since realised that it holds true for emotional and mental anguish too. Some people never completely ‘get over’ losses they have endured and I personally am uncomfortable with the notion that they ought to be encouraged to.
December 27th, 2008 at 7:07 pm
Actually, I don’t know that that story is “absolutely beautiful” either. I feel for that woman. The death of a child is one of the most awful losses anyone can experience.
December 27th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
i have a dear friend who lost her brother in the horrific Virginia Tech Shootings about a year and half ago. They were really close and she is not so sure she will ever get over it. She is in touch with her anger and gets depressed often.
i LOVE the quote fierce dancing quotes above about the patient and pain. It’s so true because no one else walks in our shoes except us.
My father passed away 3 weeks before my 17th birthday and his parents NEVER got over their anguish before dying themselves in a fire in their home 3 months later. It took me years to get over my own anguish of losing 4 family members within 3 months of each other. Again, we all lose people, but each story is uniquely different because of circumstances, our individual emotional makeup, and how we deal with stress. We can all relate that we have a shared experience in that we have experienced loss and are mourning.
Great post. Thanks for sharing this.
EP
December 27th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
I did not know that ikon was founded upon the concept of mourning for a particular conception of God, but it does make sense. Further it makes sense that we should connect with others in all expressions of emotion: loss, sadness, pain, love, delight, joy and not just happiness. I believe one way we share our humanity is the connection of emotion with others.
December 28th, 2008 at 9:16 am
“…we all lose people, but each story is uniquely different because of circumstances, our individual emotional makeup, and how we deal with stress.” – Well said EP.
December 28th, 2008 at 10:03 am
THANKS fierce dancing! You are very kind. Do you have a blog as you always say interesting things here?
Warm Regards,
EP
December 28th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Awwwww!!! I’m so touched! Thank you!
)
No, I don’t have a blog actually. One reason being that I am still basically of the opinion that I have very little to say – hahaha. Anyway it’s great to know that someone finds my sparse and intermittent offerings valuable – thanks!
Checked out your website though and really liked it. You seem pretty ‘right on’, er, if you know what I mean!
Anyway, it seems that we both have considerable amounts to say about pain and loss and all things generally rather murky, as it were :s But you are FAR braver than me in both addressing and coping with these issues. Nice one – thank you – it’s very giving and edifying. I must also state that I am heartened to learn of the degree of support you have. This is so important for sentient beings per se and is especially so for those in chronic pain of whatever form.
Sorry this is so inadequate, but I wish you well and hope you stay strong always. xx
December 28th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
Thanks fierce dancing. Really, though you should start a blog. We ALL have things to say, even if it is venting. It’s just like a diary, but the whole world can see it!
i believe you have much to contribute so don’t short change yourself!
Glad you enjoyed my blog. Come and comment sometime! The fundies need more talking to on my blog!
Where are you from and how did you find Pete’s blog? Do you know him personally? Tell me more about your story.
All the best!
EP
December 28th, 2008 at 9:09 pm
[...] starting to really love peter rollins for reasons like this. [...]
December 31st, 2008 at 8:55 am
Pete – just wanted to say I really appreciate this post. It sums up my own experience in so many ways.
January 2nd, 2009 at 7:41 pm
To me what brings perspective to death is the confidence Christians can have that it isn’t the end. I’m glad I’m not ignorant about those who fall asleep, or condemned to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. I am glad to believe that Jesus died and rose again and to believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.
http://caughtnottaught.blogspot.com/2008/11/1-thessalonians-4-13-14.html
ED…
January 7th, 2009 at 11:45 am
Beautiful story. Never heard it before.
January 7th, 2009 at 5:05 pm
So, I haven’t even made it to your latest post yet, I’m still stuck on this one.
I just posted some reflections about it on my own blog.
http://adammoore.us/post/68994141/mourning-to-hope
Peace.
Adam
January 15th, 2009 at 7:24 pm
[...] Rollins recently wrote a piece called We need professional mourners. In it, he says, Contrary to what people often think, the key to easing peoples suffering is not in [...]
February 17th, 2010 at 12:12 am
Thanks so much for this post. The story is beautiful. We must share our stories, and seek out those whose stories we need to hear.
I recently applied for a job as a hospice chaplain. Though I didn’t get the job (yet!) I realized the tremendous power of entering into and identifying with the pain of others. Like a professional mourner of sorts.
One problem we’ve got besides a lack of professional mourners is a over-abundance of hobbyists.
God bless and thanks for the great post.
Dave